Crying
by Misha
Summary: A PC PostEp. It always end the same way.


Crying   
By Misha 

Disclaimer- These characters are the property of NBC, Aaron Sorkin, or whoever. I'm not writing this for profit in any way, shape, or form, but because I have a lot of spare time on my hands. 

Author's Notes- This is an immediate reaction to "Posse Comitatus". I couldn't believe what happened, so I wrote this. I love C.J., but I don't write her very well, which is why I usually stay away from even attempting to do so. But, this time I couldn't stop myself. I was just drawn towards writing **something** So, here's a short, sad C.J piece based on the events of "Posse Comitatus". Enjoy. 

Archive- Wherever, just tell me. 

Spoilers- Posse Comitatus. 

Rating- PG   


* * *

The tears kept coming. 

She tried to stop, but couldn't. 

It was strange, she wasn't normally one to cry even in front of her closest friends, yet, here she was on a bench in New York City, crying in front of a thousand strangers. 

Yet, she didn't care. 

All she cared about was what was gone. 

Simon. Their beginning. 

She wanted to scream, to ask how fate could be so cruel. How only hours after a first kiss, it could all be over. How he could be gone, just like that? 

But she didn't, because she knew she'd get no answer. 

Not that she really wanted one. All she wanted was what was gone. 

It was strange how attached she had gotten to him in so short a time. Strange, how it felt like her heart was breaking, after all she barely knew him. Had never had the time to know him well. 

She wanted someone to tell her that it was a mistake, that Simon was still alive. 

But it wouldn't happen. Couldn't. 

She continued cry. 

She had been here before. Twice. 

She thought she had moved on. That she had put her two past heartbreaks away forever. 

But obviously not, because they were haunting her that moment. Adding more salt to the wound that Simon's death had created. 

She had been twenty-three the first time. 

She and Michael had lived together for almost two years and had decided to get married. 

He was twenty-eight and an accountant. She had loved him. 

Then, he went out to buy some bread and never returned. He had been mugged and stabbed. He never came back. 

It had taken her a long time to get over it. 

That was when she started to put up walls around her heart. 

But, Ryan had penetrated those walls and she had fallen in love again. They had had five months together, before a drunk driver broke her heart for a second time. 

That time she had been thirty and a lot more bitter. The walls went up full force and she swore that she would never feel that pain again. 

Yet, here she was. 

It was crazy, she had only known him a few weeks, he had made her angry... Yet, he had penetrated those walls. 

She had thought about him a lot and had thought that she might be able to let her guard down. That this time it might be different. 

It wasn't. 

It ended the way it always did. 

Yet, this time it was over before it had even really begun. 

And she was left, crying on a street in New York City in a black Vera Wang dress that she never, ever intended to wear again. Not now. 

She knew that every time she even thought about the dress, she'd think about Simon. 

And she'd feel just like she did right at this horrible moment in time. 

She started to cry even harder, uncaring of her surroundings. 

She knew that she should go back to the play, but she wasn't going to. 

Not yet. She couldn't handle it; couldn't handle being around people she knew. 

She just wanted to sit here in cry. 

No, that wasn't true. What she wanted most of all was to see his face, hear his voice, feel his lips against hers once more. She wanted to have a beginning and a shot at a future. 

Instead, she just added more support to the walls around her heart and to her belief that she was better off alone. 

She was thirty-eight years old and yet it still hurt as much as it had fifteen years earlier. 

She didn't understand how it had happened. He was a Secret Service Agent, for Gods Sake, how could he have been caught unaware by a robber? He had caught one of them, they had told her, but he hadn't seen the other one until it was over. 

She didn't understand it, it made no sense. 

But, then, as she had learnt, life rarely did. And whether or not it made sense, did not change the fact that it had happened. 

Simon was gone. 

She wondered why him. Of all the men who had crossed her path, why had Simon Donovan affected her so much in so little time? Why did she see in him what she hadn't seen in anyone since Ryan? 

She didn't know. Maybe she never would. 

But she did know that it was always like this. 

Life always looked like it's going well and then the tragedy struck. 

She and Micheal had decided to get married just hours before he had gone to buy bread because they were out. 

She and Ryan had said "I love you" for the first time the night he was killed. 

She and Simon had shared their first kiss just a few hours ago. 

She saw the pattern and wondered how she could break it. 

But, it didn't really matter. 

Because at that moment, she was still sitting there. Simon was still dead. 

Nothing would change that. She knew that. 

So she did the only thing she could, she continued to cry. 

The End 


End file.
